I’m doubting the seeds I’ve planted again
I’m sitting in a lawn chair watching my bunny trim back my perennials with his teeth. I can hear the birds communicating, and my neighbor mowing his lawn. There is peace and there is peril. The threat not yet defined, but felt.
My husband is inside with our 3 dogs so my bunny can have free roaming time in total comfort. And so he doesn’t get turned into a chew toy by 2/3 dogs. I’m not exactly sure if our puppy would tear him apart or not.
They’ve met a few times before and even played a bit. Puppies grow quickly and so does their rambunctious and sometimes aggressive nature. I don’t have the bandwidth to figure that out right now, and I really don’t want to lose another bunny this year.
I’m having a hard time not laser focusing on the things that are bad. When I look around me and see a mostly successful garden, it’s hard to believe those negative things deserve any of my time or energy.
I feel like a stranger in my body lately. Adapting to new hardware. It’s possible I am. I removed my uterus a year ago. A decision I made. One I have been glad I did as life was seemingly pain free. Until it wasn’t again.
I don’t know why or what caused my body to stop functioning as normal, but something did. Maybe it’s all in my head and my body is just trying to tell me something. I can’t help but wonder if I did this to myself. Is it true that part of me is less than without a vital female organ? Is my body confused without its compass?
My husband just brought me tacos in the garden. I cried. How could I think he doesn’t really love me and just takes care of me out of obligation just the other day? If that were true, I think he’d be doing a lot less.
This back and forth thinking has me questioning if I’m losing my mind, or it’s just my OCD. Something I generally forget I was diagnosed with about a decade ago because it rarely rears its head. At-least that’s how it feels since I’m not compulsively checking things 4 or 15 times.
I haven’t been blogging much. Something I feel guilt over. But who does that guilt even belong to? Nobody gives a shit if I don’t post a blog post. But the thoughts still brew inside me. I write them down in my journal; maybe I’ll use some on a later date. Maybe they’ll just be retellings of my life for me to read when I am old. Maybe what frees me is sharing them. And I’ve stopped sharing. Because I got scared.
Scared that people will read my thoughts and think they have solutions to my problems. That they know my own mind before I can figure it out.
I don’t know how people live their lives so privately and don’t start to feel sick inside. I also wish I could live my life privately. I feel that I have started to more. But, it feels like I’m withholding parts of myself I was meant to share. The parts that make the magic happen.
The ugly parts, the messy parts. When did I start trying to keep it all together again? Did anyone think I had it all together? Because I never did. Does anyone?
Now it feels like things are failing. I’m patching holes on a sinking ship. But isn’t the view nice on the way down?
Sometimes when things keep going wrong a fight lights up within me. I’m waiting for that spark to ignite. All I can muster is just enough.
Right now it feels like I’m free falling into the abyss. I don’t know what awaits, and I don’t know if I even care.
I probably sound like a girl giving up. Right now, in a way I am. For today atleast, until tomorrow and tomorrow’s problems need me.
But today, I walked through my garden gate with a pot of sunflowers from my coworker’s client, and to many pots of perennials from my neighbor down the street who shares a love of gardening. Her front yard garden was one of my biggest reasons I believed I could and should do it too.
Gardening has been the one thing that’s made me really fall in love with life. For the better of it, and the worst. To appreciate life in all its sizes, and respect the role each plays in the world.
Don’t worry for me, for these feelings are fleeting, and tomorrow I may find my joy again.