The magic in being alone

I used to hate being alone. In the physical sense. I didn’t know what to do. How to be, what to focus on. I felt lost.

I type this sitting at my kitchen table. Alone again. But just for a weekend. Not 4 months. I cry. This time because I am so grateful to have made it out of that time, and to feel like I have something to look forward to in being alone.

My time isn’t spent thinking about how alone I was. It’s looking forward to spending time with myself. A routine I know needs to be nurtured. My alone time is sacred to me, and to many other women I know.

I work with women all day. I hear their stories, I know what’s going on in these women’s lives and even of the lives of those close to them. I think about their lives and how they must be feeling. I see a different perspective that I hadn’t pondered before. I learn.

A joint rests beside me. The room smells like smoke. A common occurrence in the evening in my home. Especially when it’s just me. A habit I leaned into when my husband would leave. One I haven’t quite kicked, but have cut back.

The further I get from the girl I was in my early 20’s, I have more sympathy for her. I see her pains, from a wiser version.

On my drive home from work I considered sleeping on the couch tonight. The seemingly safest place for me to fall asleep for at least the first month of being on my own. It now feels like I’m showing the version of me that lived in fear, that I don’t have to be scared anymore. I’m showing her she can be happy.

I had a cupcake for my dinner, that I made from scratch for my husband’s ice fishing trip this weekend with the boys. A healthy excursion for him to partake in. I find it to be a positive thing to have a partner that would like to engage in their own hobbies and know what nourishes their soul. I definitely wouldn’t just be eating the cupcake for dinner if he were here.  At least I’m eating.

I enjoy getting to choose, even if it’s not the “best decision”. I have no idea what time I’ll fall asleep tomorrow, but I do know I have an exciting weekend of plans with my family and friends to look forward to.

I am thrilled to have friends this time around that want to spend time with me when Jake’s gone. I was starting to feel like I’m no fun.

I feel like a young 20 something girl getting giddy texting their boyfriend waiting for the 3 dots to appear knowing he’s taking time to communicate with me. I’m excited to recap our weekends when we get back together.

I wish I bought myself a packet of instant ramen when I was at the asian market the other day. For nostalgia purposes, not nutritional if you were wondering.

In ways, I treat myself worse when I’m left to my own devices. At least to what I put into my body. I do however, spend time with spirit. I think that’s what I would call it. I was raised on God and Jesus. Still making sure I capitalize the names.

I don’t know exactly when I lost that belief, but it wasn’t all at once. I’m still forming my opinions about what I believe is beyond this life. I’m 28, I should be questioning these things. An always developing awareness. It’s my choice if I want to challenge what I thought I knew with new information. A courage I’ve come to realize.

Just like it was a courage to stay home in my early 20’s while my partner went out to sea. As it was an equal if not greater courage for my partner to brave physical storms in the middle of the ocean for us to have the life we have. A courage, a sacrifice, and a period in our life. A period that is over, and I am so grateful because of it, and because of it’s end.

Nobody really knows what’s going on behind closed doors, and I do like a bit of privacy as to exactly how I live my life in the moment. But the past, I’ll tell you. Because maybe you’re her. Or maybe you were her, and you need to sit with her again.

I used to smoke a whole joint, put on my playlist “Jacob<3” and sob in my living room. Now, I’m playing shuffle of all my music saved on my Apple music. I trust my taste enough to know that my playlist will not disappoint. And neither will spirit, or fate. I like to think of it as Spirit is the DJ. Or maybe somebody else would say God is their DJ if they like to play the same little game.

Ask for messages, you’ll start to notice them more. Maybe it is that deep. Maybe there is magic in the mundane. And if you want to be cynical then keep your comments to yourself and exit stage left please.