My depression

I’ve struggled with depression since I was 15 years old. Nobody noticed back then, but I knew that the darkness I saw in my father, existed in me too. I didn’t give it a name, I just sat with it in my bedroom and prayed for it to disappear. Eventually, it did; but like depression does, it came back.

The second major depression I experienced was after the death of my dog. He was only 3, and  got run over by a car when I wasn’t with him. I was already teetering on the edge with my mental health, and that sent me right over the cliff into the pits of despair. I was so close to opening my salon, how could I keep going after a loss so tragic? It wasn’t pretty, but I made it through, just like I’ll keep making it through.

My sleep was disturbed, so I slept when I could. I don’t remember eating anything but ramen because my husband was out to sea for work for the next few months, and I’m not much of a cook anyway. My hygiene was poor. I went as long as I could without washing my hair and hid it under beanies. My showers were just baths where I soaked in nothing but my own filth. It got so bad that I noticed I started to smell. I hope nobody else did, but I’m not sure that’s true. I didn’t wash my face, let alone do any skincare beyond that. I’m almost positive I only brushed my teeth when I had to leave the house, that time is a blur. I smoked weed from the moment I woke up to the minute I would try to sleep. All the energy I had I used on finishing up the salon buildout and maintaining the handful of clients I had left.

The effects that accident had on me feel like they left a sticky residue I can’t seem to get rid of. My anxiety has calmed immensely from when I was younger, but the depression still reappears. I can’t really understand it, but I know trying to won’t cure me. Even when everything is going right, the depression can find a way to sneak in and make me want to burn everything in my life to the ground and watch it go up in flames while I stare blankly. Of course, if you look at events that have transpired the past few years it would make sense why I’d be struggling, but if you look at my dad’s patterns it would make even more sense.

I don’t blame him for passing down his damaged nervous system, but I have questions for him he’ll never be able to answer. He was a hairdresser as I am too. He also owned two salons at different times that he was unable to maintain. For a long time he was ashamed of his depression. He didn’t want clients knowing, but would need to miss work often. His coworkers would pick up his slack, further feeding that cycle of guilt that is depression’s best friend.

Depression wants you to believe you are a burden. That the world would be better off without you, but it doesn’t start like that. It first convinces you that people in your life would be better off without you. That you don’t add any value, that they have had to be there for you too many times and you can’t dare ask them again. I would know, I’ve felt it. I feel it still, even if my logical mind knows that’s not true. The unfortunate reality is that people have a limit, and loving somebody that experiences depression is tiresome, and sometimes you can’t be the person they lean on. Sometimes you have to walk away, even if just for a little bit. I’m understanding of that. I’ve walked away from my own dad too. Maybe it’s why I try to keep making friends so I don’t exhaust all of the people around me to the point where I have no one left.

If I could ask my dad anything today, I would ask if he ever felt like giving up his career. It’s not a thought I feel confident expressing because of how it would make my clients feel, but I have felt very lonely in this mindset, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one. Is it just the depression nagging at me convincing me that what I do has no purpose, or do I really want to redirect? I would also ask him what he talked about with clients while he was depressed. Maybe he just disappeared from his work all together and didn’t let his clients see it until the aftermath. I would ask him how many clients he lost over the years due to his mental health, I know I’ve lost my fair share and I feel sorry for it, but respect their decisions to see a hairdresser that they know they can rely on. To the ones who have sat in my chair when I am suffering from resting bitch face and can barely look you in the eye never mind have a conversation, thank you. You keep my bills paid and make me believe that I still have something to offer.

I’m not sure my dad would be able to give me any answers to my questions that would relieve me of my worries, but I would feel more connected to him than I ever got to. It’s bittersweet that in my own depression I do feel connected to his spirit. He’s there in the darkness. Telling me to keep hanging on. It will get better like it has time and time again.

To anyone who’s run a business while battling depression, I see you, and I hope this helps you feel not so alone. I have felt very alone in this particular part of my depression, because not everyone that struggles owns a business. People lose their jobs all of the time due to the unreliability their mental health creates in their life, and just like them I lose business too. My motivation to run my business practically vanishes, and everything feels meaningless. I don’t have a magic trick to fix myself, so for now I’ll just keep moving, even if it’s slower than I’d like. Even if I can no longer keep up with the current trends in the industry, or apply new techniques I spent thousands of dollars to learn. I will trust that the skills I do have are enough, and float until I find my strength to push ahead again.

I spent so much of my life pushing, trying to be ahead and stay ahead, and the truth is that it’s awfully hard to maintain. The efforts I gave forth were at the expense of myself, and I can no longer afford to burn myself out to make others burn brighter. Don’t fear for me in my sharing of my truth. I will be okay, I have support. I will continue to run my business through the difficulties as I have done many times before. This too shall pass they say.